John Stamos to Build Nuke, Too

One day after North Korea purportedly detonated its first nuclear weapon, which registered between 500-1000 tons on seismographs, John Stamos has reiterated that he will continue his own nuclear weapons program.

"We are determined to prove John Stamos is a forced to be reckoned with," said the actor/producer/broadway star, a veritable dreamy-eyed triple threat who will play a gay wedding planner for an upcoming A&E original film, Wedding Wars, this fall.

Stamos contends his scientists are nearing completion of the Stamos I. "Time is of the essence," said Stamos. "It's like following the fat kid in the Physical Fitness Test. Our Bomb will look much more impressive juxtaposed to North Korea's."

The blast in North Korea appears to have been weaker, by a magnitude of twenty-five to fifty, than the first tests conducted by the United States and other nuclear powers, leading some to question the succcess, and verity, of the nuclear explosion.

Experts say they would expect readings in the 5-15 kiloton range for a nuclear blast.

A representative from the newest member of the club, Pakistan, scoffed at Kim Jung Il's demonstration of power, saying, "Is that the best he can do? One-half kiloton? Maybe he simply passed gas."

Flatulence has yet to be officially recorded by a seismograph.

A government official of India, however, believes that "[i]f anyone could do it, it's Kim Jung Il. I mean look at the man. I bet he really lets them rip."

India, like Pakistan, became a nuclear power in 1998.

John Stamos is determined to be the next "real" member of the Nuke Fraternity. The former teen idol -- and present heartthrob -- has denied allegations he would use nuclear weapons as a bargaining chip to facilitate the production of new episodes of Full House on Fox.

"It would take a much larger threat than total annihilation," said Pakistan. "Plus, now that the Olsen twins are legal, it would make much more sense on Showtime."

"Or possibly HBO," India offered. "Those girls indeed are hot-hot-hot!"

After an a-la-la-la-la tongue-scream of agreement, Pakistan added, "Why is the one Olsen twin more attractive? I just don't get that."

"I know," agreed India. "It's like, what gives? I thought they were twins."

"Ashley can split my atom any day."

Amid rumors circulating that the Olsen twins are the mastermind scientists behind the John Stamos nuclear weapons program, the smooth-skinned hunk, a hunk of burning love, from Cypress, California, remained tight-lipped. "My scientists will not eat or sleep or star in movies until they are finished creating the nuclear device," Stamos said.

The United States has yet to threaten sanctions against John Stamos.

Russia and China, key veto-wielding members of the UN's Security Council, say they will stand behind the United States in the "Stamos Standoff". Russian defense minister Sergei Ivanov refuted reports that talks had commenced between Russia and the former General Hospital cast member.


"The Russian nation has no interest in John Stamos. We did not get that television show in the Mother Land," said Ivanov of the sitcom Full House, which catapulted Stamos (who played Uncle Jessie, guitarist and motorcycle enthusiast) to stardom in America. He added, "Though I have heard good things."

While the intentions of the 44-year-old Stamos remain unclear, one thing is certain: it seems unlikely he will ever have a hotter wife than ex-supermodel Rebecca Romijn.

The couple divorced in 2005.

Stamos refuses to negotiate with members of the Security Council, instead demanding bilateral talks with Ashton Kutcher, whose datelist of Hollywood Hotties includes Monet Mazur, Ashley Scott, Britney Murphy, and Demi Moore.

John Stamos currently resides in Los Angeles, California, where he kicks himself over and over and over again.